Of course I can just type the facts. My Dad and Julie have been up at the Mayo. 5 days there, 2 days home. He has been having lots and lots of tests. And he has begun his radiation and chemo. He is doing well considering. There, those are the facts. Seems easy to type, right?
The only problem is that I am not a robot. Every time I have tried to type these things I draw a blank and I go numb. I have so many feelings about all of this and I am constantly trying to find out what exactly I am feeling. At times I am just so sad. I wish it was me this time and not my Dad. He has been through so much! Then I get mad at myself because I feel like when I think negatively about all of this and get all why now why him. I am just putting negativity out there and that does no good.
So I am trying to be as optimistic as possible. Because he will get through this! I know he will. I just know what is on the road ahead. We've been down this road before. Although my Dad has not had a transplant before he has had his colon removed, not easy. And he has been through chemo before. So maybe this time instead of the fear of the unknown I am having the fear of the fuck I know what this is going to be like. I know how this is going to affect my Dad.
I know that there are times that my Dad is scared, sad, tired and just altogether bummed. But I also know that he has times of pure joy, love, peace and altogether goodness. Those are the moments I try and think of when I am feeling down. Those moments that even though my Dad has been through so much he still is happy! Extremely happy!
So now I am smiling. Because I have a wonderful image of my Dad smiling. I'm going to hold on to that image until I see him tomorrow. When see that smile in person. =)
